Thursday, April 11, 2013
Heading out to see Dad. He’s sounded so weak on the phone, increasingly over the last few weeks. I’m glad they took him to the hospital the second time he fell in the night and had to call the paramedics.
There’s a feeling that I want to see him fighting with a feeling that he doesn’t deserve any special attention. Coming here has always been awkward and uncomfortable. But then I have to think, what does any of us actually “deserve?” So here goes.
This is a cute town, very walkable. It was tempting to drive around a bit before heading to the hospital. My gps took me to the wrong place anyway, so I guess I got my drive. I put in Redlands Community Hospital and it took me to Redlands Community Clinic, which I never did see, but it was the neighborhood that has stuff like Salvation Army, so I’m sure it’s probably a tiny clinic somewhere in a strip shopping center. And Jean called just as I was regrouping.
First impression at the hospital: he’s little and weak and glad to see me. His case manager was there, who figures out the plan. Good timing. She’s advising that he spend another night to qualify for rehab and then move on to Plymouth Village for rehab. The CT scan showed some “spots on the pancreas you should have checked out” and not much else that they acted like was significant. No answers for a lot of his problems but they seem content that they’ve ruled out the serious stuff. I guess. Spots on the pancreas would alarm me.
His belly looks bloated even though he’s really thin. Worrisome. Especially since nobody seems concerned with it. He’s been that big before, but I don’t think it’s just weight.
Jean and I stuck around for a while and then went home to their Meals on Wheels mushy broccoli meals. But anything I didn’t have to cook is ok. We watched Doc Martin together. Ironically, it was about a lady experiencing dementia symptoms which turned out that she was dehydrated because she was afraid that if she drank water she’d wet the bed and have to go to a nursing home. In the end Doc solved the problem and she realized she was ok at a home anyway because they would take care of her. Ended with a croquet game in that English countryside we’d all like to retire to. I don’t think Jean saw a connection, especially as that episode also has a plotline involving S&M, so we just individually stared straight ahead at the TV…
I’m staying in the study. This is definitely Jean’s home with remnants of Dad’s life sort of moved in. His bedroom furniture is the Early Marriage 50s stuff that I had on Countess. His picture rail in his room is full of pictures of his family and Robert’s, Laurie’s, and mine. A faded picture of Mandy is front and center. Lots of Navy memorabilia everywhere. And a framed wedding announcement in the hall with high school pictures of both of them and a picture from their wedding with the words “Some things are worth waiting for.”
Friday, April 12
I had to work today. I found a coffee/sandwich shop called Linne’s that has good wifi and got all installed in a corner with my giant latte. A bunch of regulars sort of eyed me throughout the morning. I think I have their usual table.
Dad called, completely confused about where he was and why we left him there. He didn’t sleep well. Good news and bad news is that he’s right across from the nurses’ station, so they’re prompt when he needs them but they’re noisy all night. He was to move later in the day but I decided to work through and then go, rather than trying to check on him on a lunch hour and getting stuck at the hospital. Turned out I got there just as they were about to move him and he seems to be aware of what’s going on. I think a lot of his confusion comes with tiredness.
They transported him to the place, which is about a mile from their condo. Jean had accidentally grabbed her own pants instead of his so he was in a shirt and pajama pants. He sat up in a wheelchair in the transport van and Jean and I both followed. The “Health Center” is a depressing nursing home with most residents so out of it. He was kind of wide-eyed going in. They ushered him straight to dinner (4:30) and served his meal. He looked at me and said, in his old strong voice, “I’m going to do everything I can to get out of here.” I told him about Joan and how he needs to do whatever the therapists tell him to do and he said he most definitely will.
We took him out after he ate and explored the grounds a little. He’s perking up. The physical therapist found us in the gazebo and did her evaluation out there. The grounds are beautiful and everything is blooming. The therapist, Gina, was sweet and predicts a couple of weeks. We got him settled in after a while and Jean wanted Italian food, so we went to a favorite restaurant of theirs. She told me a tale of a birthday dinner there once for Dad when he drank so much that he added a huge tip to the bill and didn’t remember it later. Awesome.
Saturday, April 13
The house was quiet when I got up so I slipped out and walked over to Plymouth Village. Dad is quite perky and was ready to get dressed and start taking care of himself a bit. He says they never come when you push the red button anyway, and I think he just wants to be less helpless. It was good to see him in clothes, and he was eager for a bath and shampoo.
I met with the sales director at Plymouth Village and had a tour. Dad & Jean have talked to them before, so they have given this some thought. It’s a buy-in program, though, that would probably mean selling the condo, so I doubt they’ll ever do it. But those programs guarantee you a place to live out your life even if you run out of funds.
Jean encouraged me to come home for lunch and I went a little before noon. She was just starting breakfast as she’d just gotten up. Her friend (hairdresser?) Cathy Lee was there. She has a hair salon in town by her name so at least I now have an emergency contact I could find if I needed to. Sweet lady. Quick sandwich and then we went to tour Missions Commons, another place they’ve looked at before. Pretty nice and I think more affordable. Then back over to Dad since Jean has other stuff to do.
He wanted to get out and walk so we did. He wears out fast but he’s definitely not giving up. It was pretty and sunny out so we just hung out. Can’t seem to move to any significant conversation but we chit chat. On to early dinner & Robert called. He was kind of emotional but I’m just kind of numb with it all. This could be my last time with dad but I guess I’ve dropped him at the airport and seen him off enough times it’s hard to get too sappy. I’m reminded of the time Laurie went to his Las Colinas condo and the movers had already come. Ross at about age 6 looked in the window at the empty place and calmly said “damn.”
Jean finally showed up after dinner. I took advantage of the situation and walked to a little market I went to with Dad last time I was here. He said it was probably Olive St. Market so off I went. The houses, wide palm-lined streets, and everything in bloom are so great in this town. At one point I saw these huge lemons just lying on the sidewalk. Looked up and the tree was just weighed down with them. I got to the market and it wasn’t the one I wanted and also was closed! So back to Plymouth Village for the car, find Gerrard’s, pick up my goodies, and head back. Every time I walk anywhere Jean is all “YOU WALKED???!!! My GOODness!”
Dad’s roommate is a guy with an infection similar to mine in 2007 that he got from a teeth cleaning! Bacteria in the bloodstream. Gave me the willies to think I could have ended up in a place like that if we hadn’t gotten that do-it-yourself IV service. Or if we’d lived in California, evidently. Nice wife named Jeanne. Lots of Jeans here.
Jean & I went out for Thai food. Talked about Asia. They lived in China and she shows interest in our travels. She was so determined to take me to the Country Club, but they had a private party. That place means a lot to them. I didn’t even bring appropriate clothes anyway, which probably horrified her.
After dinner, we visited. She sort of dropped bombshell after bombshell that she thought I already knew about Dad. Tried to play it cool. So Alfred & Jane, the cousin they’re so devoted to in Dallas, have other connections. Jane is Jean’s cousin, but Alfred and Dad were next-door neighbors in Spur. During the time I’ve heard vaguely about when Nonnie took Mer & Bettye to Lubbock, Pawpaw was such a heavy drinker that Dad ended up eating at Alfred’s house all the time. Pawpaw would drink the cooking vanilla when he ran out of booze. I’ve only picked up bits & pieces about that part of their lives, but never from Dad or Nonnie or anyone directly involved.
The other one was that Dad sent his earnings home from WW2 for his dad to deposit in the bank, and when he returned home, Pawpaw had spent all the money. Does Mom even know some of this? Or do you have to be from Spur to be in on it?
So on to bed & conversation with Susanna, who I knew would be the only one still up at home. She’s great, but we hung up when I learned she was in standstill traffic on LBJ at 12:30. Lauren & Jonathan and their dogs are coming tomorrow.
Being here makes me alternately feel guilty for always being aggravated with Dad and just aggravated with him. Sort of makes me feel a bit nuts sometimes. But then my daily reading took me to the story of David and Absalom. Family connections don’t always make sense. We forgive and want the connection and grieve when it’s strained.
Sunday, April 14
Jean talked about going to the Club for brunch, but once again all was quiet in her room when I got up. So I walked the half mile to the Methodist church. I am so prone to snap judgment, but they gave me some reason on first impression… Two female pastors, all the lingo about inclusiveness & open doors all over the bulletin, even printed permission to change the pronouns in the hymns as you sing if you prefer. But here’s the deal. They make much of being inclusive etc. but it was the whitest congregation I’ve seen in a long time, both skin color and hair color. There were kids and young (mostly white) families present, but definitely a minority. And they have a youth group trip coming up to visit the Museum of Tolerance, whatever that is. I thought how our church avoids all that verbiage and really admits to being a little closed-minded, but we’re far more diverse than this place. I guess we just all need to be more inviting, more aware of others who may be different but have needs, and make sure we proclaim the gospel. The sermon was good. The pastor recently went on a grueling bike trip through the desert and talked about paths, based on the Road to Emmaus story. I could relate to a lot of what she talked about because of Cornwall, and I was glad it was a church that focused on scripture and wasn’t afraid to talk about God or Jesus by name. She mentioned how the 2 people on the Emmaus Road were not of the 12 disciples, and we don’t hear of them again, and I’m not sure I had thought about that before.
I got home to find Jean eating breakfast and Lauren and Jonathan delayed, so I went on over to see Dad. Jean called to see if I could come back and wait for them because she wanted to be with Dad. Eventually they got there, with their 2 dogs. Jean came back and I left again. When they finally came to see Dad, Lauren was so affectionate and sweet. She snuggled right up to him and sat with her arm around him and Jonathan was all accommodating and thinking ahead to point the wheelchair toward the door in case he needed it quickly, etc. I thought of how he talks about Lauren being so perfect, and he thinks so highly of Jonathan, and how I don’t think he knows my kids much at all. And they stay in California for that one grandkid instead of coming to Texas where he has many. But she does have reason to know him better, feel comfortable with him, no baggage. My kids don’t have that luxury. They’ve known most of their lives that it’s stressful when he comes to visit and they just know the whole situation. So I can’t blame her for sort of taking their place in his affections, but I don’t have to be super pleased about it. Jonathan talked to the nurses’ station about his meds and all kinds of super-involved stuff that I’d left to Dad to communicate. It was nice, but they live 1 ½ hours away and it’s not like they’ll be there for much follow up. I don’t know. Just weird to feel like someone else has your place.
Dad had asked me to bring a checkbook so he could get the number of a check that never made it to Laurie in the mail. For some reason he told Jean that he had caught up the checkbook and there was this missing check. I came back from getting water to find her saying “When and where did you get the checkbook?” And it was in my purse… He just looked sort of blank and I said I’d brought it to him. She said she’d call the bank but needed the information. So I pull it out of my purse, tear out a deposit slip, write the check number, & put it back in my purse. SO awkward. Thanks, Dad. But honestly kind of funny later when I was texting Laurie about it. He sends checks to Laurie for her to sign over to Mom on a pretty regular basis. Laurie’s taking the fall on this one because it looks like she’s getting pretty regular handouts if anyone ever looks. I put the checkbook back where it belongs when I got back – just hope it doesn’t go astray when I was the last to have it.
We’re always sweet but so guarded with each other… I did a Bible study the other day while working at Linne’s that was about Paul at a time of less confidence. He had just been to Athens where the intellectuals went after him and reveals that he wasn’t feeling so sure of himself when he went to Corinth. I focused on 1 Corinthians 2:1-5 and thought I will be bold in my own weakness and say something to Dad about his need for Christ. But then when we’re together he disarms me completely with just being sweet and glad I’m there and you just don’t want to go anywhere uncomfortable. Am I a coward or just aware that there’s nothing about the gospel that he hasn’t heard and he hasn’t chosen to live it? Maybe I’ll mail a large print Bible and see if it can speak more directly to him than I could.
So we left him in bed. He’s grateful I came. I don’t know if I’ll see him again, honestly. Lauren was tearful back at the house about how sad it was to leave him. I can’t get that emotional right now. So bizarre.
Tonight’s new revelation about Dad. He had polio as a kid and lived with his grandparents for a while. They were going to put him in an iron lung but his granny thought farm life would do him more good. He loved his Granny and respected his grandfather, who was not very affectionate or demonstrative, but kind and hardworking. I assume this was the tobacco-chewing Great Granny (McMinn) that I remember meeting. She says he has always wanted to be like his grandfather. Did I know this before and forget? Maybe. I’ll have to ask Mom. Does it matter? I don’t know. It’s just strange having someone else know him so intimately, not just from their married years but all their lives, especially when I wonder if there’s stuff he didn’t want us to know about him. Jean commented (in a conversation about Costco/commissary shopping) about how much they use paper goods because he always blows and spits. She said something about old age and I said no, he’s always done that. I think she was equally uncomfortable with offhand comments like that, that suggest I actually know him too. Maybe I overthink.
Jean and I discussed some of the assisted living options and she says she knows it’s time to follow through. We’ll see. I think she’s motivated but I’m not sure she’s capable of setting things in motion.
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